Survived another sleepover. Running on fumes. Send memes.
This week, we’re going for more of the children’s fare, with some appreciation for a few of the classics. First up is A Chipmunk Christmas (1981), a story that endures thanks to its realistic portrait of a child trying to solve a problem. We’ll then recommend The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992), because, well, Muppets. Don’t worry, we’re going easy on these ones – they’re beloved by us here.
With the holiday season comes family gatherings, which means (gulp) social interactions. Some days, there is excitement to see your loved ones; other days, you know exactly why you stay away for the rest of the year. Such is the case with The Ref (1994), a film about a burglar named Gus (Denis Leary) who takes unhappy couple Lloyd (Kevin Spacey) and Caroline (Judy Davis) hostage in their home on Christmas Eve. Here are five reasons to watch it this weekend.
#1 – It’s Ted Demme doing comedy
Man, I had forgotten that we had lost Ted Demme as long ago as we did. This is the guy who brought us Blow in 2001 and Beautiful Girls in 1996. We would have gotten more thinker fare if not for the fact that he passed away suddenly and unexpectedly in 2002 at the age of 38. He didn’t often venture into comedy, but when he did, we got darker fare like this. Ted, we hardly knew ye.
#2 – The bicker is real
We all know them: that one couple you hope, pray and perform a ceremonial dance for in the hopes that they break up. They hate each other. They’re miserable and suck all the joy out of every room they enter. Ladies and gents, this is Lloyd and Caroline. While they’re entertaining to watch, they’re also a bit uncomfortable because they bear a resemblance to that couple that refuses to divorce for whatever reason. It’s a slice of reality that people try to gloss over in time for the holidays. I say bring the reality. Don’t try to frost over it and serve it like a gingerbread cookie from Satan’s bakery.
Just stop it already.
#3 – Denis Leary is the voice of reason
I love it when Leary is given a chance to drop truth bombs (see: “I’m An Asshole”). Watching him light into two people who are determined to make everyone else around them just as unhappy is pure delight. I could listen to him tell people to shut up all day. Especially this time of year. Can we get portable Denis Learys to keep with us during holiday shopping?
#4 – The supporting roles
A good cast is only as good as their supporting parts. Sure, a solid actor can carry a film, but when there’s more than one person in on the relay race, it’s so much more enjoyable. This film boasts actors we love in fun parts: J.K. Simmons, Glynis Johns and Christine Baranski all take part in the festivities. The snark and annoyance they bring to the film are great, especially considering that Simmons has really hit his stride in the past few years.
Baranski is like butter.
#5 –There’s no humor like dark humor
Personal confession: I liked dark humor in the past, but it wasn’t until I started dating Europeans that I really got to relish the experience. Let me tell you, the Scottish and the English are freaking BRUTAL. More exposure to it means that I get to let that flag fly. I can see why they go there, because it’s a bit of a release. Steering into the skid is definitely a good way to go sometimes; helps you cope with everything going on, especially if it’s uncomfortable.
The Ref is available for rental on YouTube.
Get ready to feel old: The Nightmare Before Christmas was released in 1993, which was 25 years ago. Babies born the year that it was released can now have staggering college debt and unfulfilling jobs. These kids can legally vote, own property (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *wipes tear*), and may have children of their own. In that time, director Henry Selick has gone on to direct James and the Giant Peach (1996), Moongirl (2005) and Coraline (2009), each with valuable lessons about appreciating the world around you. And it all started with the original: an animated film about Jack Skellington (voiced by Chris Sarandon), the Pumpkin King who grows bored and wants to try something new.
Grand theft evergreen.
In the first ten minutes of the film, we’re treated to a marvelous display of the splendor of Halloween, complete with a toe-tapping theme song. The show is impressive: ghost floating in the air; well-timed pumpkins landing on spikes; the monster under the bed; creepy, dark homes; vampires and werewolves; Oogie Boogie’s shadow transforming into bats in flight. We see Jack enter, perform a rousing dance while on fire, and receive the adulation of the residents of Halloweentown. The whole thing functions like a well-oiled machine: everyone knows the words, everyone knows the steps, and everyone takes utter joy in what they do. Except, of course, Jack, who lets us know straight away that he’s losing the spirit. Throughout the film, Jack struggles with feelings of being stuck in a rut, wanting something more than the same old same old. We look at Jack’s handiwork and the prevalent pride displayed by the townsfolk and see a guy who’s got everything and is damn good at what he does, but Jack yearns for the new, which comes in the form of Christmas.
That looks EASY!
However, Jack keeps circling back to his main holiday of Halloween, which gets him into trouble. He goes on an all-encompassing quest to unlock the joys of Christmas, placing stock in the novelty of snow and presents, but fails to grasp the true spirit of giving joy rather than scares. He places severed heads in boxes, gives snakes as pets, and brings toys that spring to life and chase after the children for whom they’re intended. He puts all his passion into remaking Christmas by putting his own stamp on it, seeking to fundamentally remake the holiday into something closer to Halloween. The result: terror, havoc and a military mission to shoot him out of the sky to make it stop.
Whoops.
Jack’s big problem is that he’s not entirely looking for a new way of life – the guy just needs a vacation to recharge his batteries. The snow fascinates him, and gives him an angle that’s not entirely off: after all, how many horror films capitalize on the beautiful, calming winter setting to lull us into a false sense of security before the mayhem starts? Jack’s on to something there, but his execution isn’t right: he tries to absorb Christmas and make it his own without really stopping to study the customs and traditions of the rituals. His actions lean toward appropriation rather than appreciation, and that’s where he commits something every excited person is guilty of upon the discovery of something new to them and cool: taking it and trying to make it fit your life and schemas rather than researching the broader cultural background. That’s why we have a fear-based entity that unthinkingly places a severed head in a box: to him, that’s a present, rather than the context of the situation. It’s no surprise that Jack mucks it up: he’s essentially trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. While he can have elements of the holiday there, he really needs to become more familiar with it rather than just dive in – he needs to think about the traditions and their meanings unto themselves rather than blanketly performing a reboot on a massive holiday. Santa even delicately touches upon this when he tells Jack, “Next time you get the urge to take over someone else’s holiday, I’d listen to [Sally],” the one person who advised him to slow down and truly consider his actions and their consequences.
The fuck is this?
In the end, The Nightmare Before Christmas isn’t about making Christmas scary or a comedy of errors – it’s about finding ways to reinvigorate yourself and your routine in ways that are appropriate and respectful. The friendly greeting between Jack and Santa at the end of the film shows no ill will, as they’re both warm and cheerful. The insinuation is that both may visit one another occasionally, but each will do his best to maintain the spirit of his own holiday. While that may seem a bit separationist, consider this: when we share our traditions and histories with one another, we grow; it’s when we attempt to overpower and shoehorn new information into our own purposes without much thought that trouble begins.
I’ll admit it: I’m actually excited for Christmas this year.
This week, in the spirit of the season, we’re going to cover The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993), which is, strangely enough, 25 years old this year. We’ll then recommend The Ref (1994), a film featuring Denis Leary telling people to shut the fuck up around the holidays. Really, could you ask for anything more?
So this month there’s been a slight change of plan. I was originally going to do Gerald’s Game, which, while a really good book, I felt was too heavy to double bill with last month. So while looking around for other adaptations, I thought, “Who never fails to deliver?” Then it hit me: Gary Busey. We’re going Silver Bullet/Cycle of the Werewolf, motherfuckers.
The Novella
So this is Steve’s first and only straight-up werewolf story. It’s surprising that being known as “the horror writer,” we saw so few trips to this well throughout his career. Themes of supernatural transformation run through a lot of his work in stuff like The Shining or Christine, but having consumed a lot of his work in these last two years, I’m hard-pressed to find a werewolf in the lot. You could argue that this story, like a lot of his early work, was all leading up to IT: idea of kids bonding to take down a monster that no one else sees or believes in. The silver bullet aspect of it lifts almost wholesale for IT with Ben and his silver dollars. Except rather than only hurting the monster because the kids believe in it….. wait I just thought of another King werewolf. In the basement of Neibolt Street Richie sees It as a werewolf in a letterman jacket because of his love a B-movie horror. I stand corrected.
The book is broken up into months of the year, each one functioning almost as a small vignette of a person being stalked and then killed by the werewolf. Syncing up with the cycles of the moon… pretty clever Steve. It largely plays out like the beginning of every episode of Six Feet Under: you meet a character, see a little window into their lives, then BOOM werewolf (there wolf) attack. Rise and repeat for the first part. But as things move on, the story starts to take shape about the one young boy who can see the truth in all of this. I feel this is more setting up for what King will do three years after this in It, but at least in this instance, the town is aware there is a killer on the loose rather than remaining blind to it.
Our old theme of Steve vs religion rears its head again. This time with the not-so-subtle message that the religious person is the most dangerous one to the this small town. You get echos of Father Callaghan from Salem’s Lot here, but this time the character doesn’t fuck off on a bus and never have their plot line resolved (I’m aware he comes back in The Dark Tower series, but having a character just walk off and disappear for 20 years of writing isn’t exactly great story telling). King plays with this selective view many religions have, in this case the priest can’t kill himself as it’s a sin but can commit murder.
Connections
Desperation – Bernie Wrightson is referred to – he was the artist for this book.
The Movie
Let’s take a moment to look at how the movie handles the physical object of a wheelchair. One of our leads is in it most of the movie, but the sound design has put upon it what can only be described as a motorcycle roar. Not to mention the little tractor trailer they pull it around in and leave outside. This movie is set in 1976; there was a fuckin’ gas crisis. Someone would have stolen that shit. This movie really has it out for wheelchair users worse than Mac and Me:
The deaths in this film aren’t exactly scary, or creative, or interesting but… they’re there I guess. There is that one great Alanis Morisette moment where the woman tries to kill herself but gets attacked by the werewolf: “It’s like a lycanthrope attack, when tryin to O.D. on pills.” The main focus here is on the creature and not the deaths. I’m not sure if that’s down to MPAA cuts like the later Friday the 13th films (pour one out for the sleeping bag kill being mostly removed from Part 7) or just that the director and King acting as screenwriter didn’t feel the need to expound on those points. Most of the victims have one scene of set up before they’re bumped off, with the obvious exception of town sheriff Terry O’Quinn. It’s always a trip to see John Locke with hair in 80s movies. The only thing that would make it better is if they brought his character back in a sequel somehow but played by Robert Wightman (one for the Stepfather fans, yes… all three of you).
I will give this movie the creature effects. The werewolf transformations are striking, from a whole church transforming to just Big Ed (yeah, I can’t remember his character name, could look it up right now, not going to). This is largely due to the contributions of Carlo Rambaldi: he also designed ET and the aliens in Close Encounters, plus did the effects for the original Alien and Possession (side note: if you haven’t seen Possession, seek it out. Andrzej Zulawski film from 1981. Fantastic metaphor for mental illness through a “demonic” possession. With some really good creature design too from Rambaldi.). While it doesn’t have the bone-snapping pain that comes from something like An American Werewolf In London, this film has a different approach to the idea of the Werewolf. It’s not brought on by the full moon, but gets stronger with the moon becoming more full.
The werewolf is played by Everett McGill, aka Big Ed from Twin Peaks. He plays the role well in that there is never a real reveal that it’s him, or should I say that you are never thrown off the scent. He comes off as strange and squirrely in several scenes, so the movie trusts that you understand that he’s not quite right. Plus when he dons that eye patch later in the movie, he becomes a combination Big Ed/Nadine tribute. All that’s missing is his patent on silent curtains.
Why did this film have narration to bookend it? Is the sister talking to her brother directly? Is the brother dead? Is she telling someone else the story? If shes telling someone else the story, how are we seeing scenes from the Big Ed’s perspective? How did they explain the dead priest in their TV room? That level of mutilation would make Jeffrey Dahmer blush. How did they explain the fucking hole in the side of the house, all the wrecked shit, and why the kids wake up screaming in the middle of the night for the rest of their fucking lives? Gary Busey got a scratch – is he meant to be a werewolf now? Will people not question what happened to the town priest? Why hadn’t the priest gone on a killing spree before? Had he just gotten to town? Is he the only priest to mysteriously move from town to town because of…. well you know where this is going.
Finally let’s take a moment to marvel at the performance of the real star of this movie, Gary Busey…. that is all I will say on the matter.
Next time: There’s a new sheriff in town and his name is… Detective Whiskers.
Ho ho ho, peeps. Yes, we’re officially into the holiday season. What better way to celebrate than to watch a feel-good romantic comedy? This year, we’re going to give Love Actually (2003) some time off – I figure that we’ve beaten that one up for some time. Plus, you’re most likely looking for some new material. This year, we’re going to start it off right with a look at the charming romantic comedy While You Were Sleeping (1995), about a lonely woman named Lucy (Sandra Bullock) who saves the life of Peter (Peter Gallagher) and accidentally winds up being welcomed into his family via misunderstanding. Here are five reasons to watch it this weekend.
#1 – The fantasy you build up
Lucy has spent her days watching Peter and building up a wonderful backstory for him. She sees a handsome, put-together man and, in her loneliness, imagines that he’s a sweet, romantic, respectful man that could sweep her off her feet. In comparison to her life – she doesn’t have family, she doesn’t have friends, and she works a quiet, mind-numbing position taking train tokens for the Chicago Transit Authority – the fantasy is what keeps her going through her days. While arguably unhealthy (okay, fine, the events of the film can be read as creepy, awkward and wrong), anyone who’s a spent time as a timid daydreamer will see a shred of themselves there.
#2 –The family you always wanted
Peter’s family is awesome. He’s got a cute little grandmother (Glynis Johns) that loves Lucy. His grandfather (Jack Warden, who was a movie staple for me as a kid – thanks, Used Cars [1980]) knows the truth, but really likes her and wants his family to be closer as the result of her infectious likability. His parents are charming, and welcome her with open arms. I know people who have horror stories for families, and trust me when I say that the Callaghans are a sweet deal. Watch them and love them, because some people have it way worse.
Get that family, Sandy!
#3 – Pullman and Bullock have great chemistry
Chemistry is a hell of a thing. When it’s bad – when two actors just don’t click, no matter how sweet the paycheck – it’s wicked obvious. I’m look at you, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (2010), and your loveless kiss seen ’round the globe. However, when it’s done right, chemistry can be charming and will make you think that love is not only possible, but that it can happen to you. That’s precisely what Pullman and Bullock do in this film. Hell, Bullock made a career out of being charming. She’s able to transfer that chemistry to the actors playing opposite her, which can be tough when you factor in that you don’t always have an immediate clicking with someone. Watching her in the film that put her on the map in this type of role really helps remind you of that magic she brings.
#4 – It’s Jon Turtletaub!
I get strangely excited for Turtletaub movies because they are a buttload of fun. National Treasure (2004). The Meg (2018). The racially *ahem* offbeat 3 Ninjas (1992). He’s known for the action and the cheese. While You Were Sleeping was one of his two forays into romantic territory, the other one being Phenomenon (1996) – which we’ll promptly forget because no one wants to really remember the years when lightning strikes/shiny objects were plot devices. The important thing here is that this film defies all logic in its plot, which is a total hallmark of a Turtletaub film. The more incredible part: it all seems like a good idea at the time and makes complete sense. It’s like a friend persuading you to steal a street sign when you’re drunk at 3 AM – it sounds great at the time, even if you’re not sure how it happened in the morning.
Lone Star, you sexy bastard.
#5 – A feel-good ending
There is something about a happy ending that is so needed right now. That’s the beauty of a good movie: it will make you forget how simply atrocious the rest of the world is for a little bit. That’s needed sometimes, so that you can pick up the sword again and go fight the good fight. So recharge with this film. We’re going to need it in the coming months.
While You Were Sleeping is available for rental on Amazon.
In the words of Thomas Sanders, story time: so I first showed my kids Gremlins (1984) five years ago. There they were, sitting on the couch – ages 8 and 5 – all bundled up in their blankets with a huge bowl of popcorn between them. And then they started SCREAMING at the television in an effort to save Zach Galligan’s Billy: “Billy, DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR! DON’T GO IN THERE! IT’S IN THERE! IT! WILL! KILL! YOU!” I sat there in complete shock at my kids losing their shit at the television. And one thought occurred to me: all of this could have been avoided if some moron hadn’t impulsively bought a pet for a Christmas present.
Keep staring, Gizmo. The fuckery is real.
The whole thing starts off innocently enough: Randall Peltzer (Hoyt Axton) is looking for a present for his son Billy for the holidays. He walks into a small shop in Chinatown, where he expresses interest in a small creature called a mogwai. The shop’s owner – known only as Grandfather (Keye Luke) in this film – refuses to sell the creature, warning Randall that he’s not up to the task of caring for a mogwai. Luckily for Randall, the elderly shop owner’s grandson (John Louie) decides to make a quick buck and sell the mogwai to him. Because it’s hard out there around the holidays, and you gotta get that cheddar, amirite?
“I don’t care if he’s kept a tamagotchi alive for six months! It’s not for sale!”
Turns out, Grandfather was beyond right: the Peltzers are not ready for a puppy, let alone an exotic creature that requires simple instructions and common sense. There are three basic rules: don’t expose it to bright light, don’t get it wet, and don’t feed it after midnight. These are not difficult rules of responsible pet ownership, yet Billy manages to pooch every single one of them (bad pun stays). He shines bright light onto poor little Gizmo (who is cute as a freaking button), who shivers in terror and pain. He spills water onto the poor thing, giving us the worst birth scene since the home video used to scare the crap out of expectant moms at the Lamaze class I attended (DO NOT WATCH THE AFTERBIRTH PART). Most damning: the crafty little buggers trick Billy into feeding them after midnight, with the end result of creepy pods in the attic, then eruptions of reptilian creatures that have to destroy everything in sight. All because Randall couldn’t take no for an answer, and some kid saw a chance to make some extra money.
This could have been avoided, but nooooooo….
People, this is a fanciful example of why you shouldn’t give a pet as a present. As much as I hate to agree with PETA, this is just a bad idea all around. Even vets agree that this is bad: it shouldn’t come as a surprise, and the chances of winding up with a little creature from a mill are too high for my tastes (the resulting health problems alone are criminal, not to mention the practice of breeding something in an unhealthy, too-frequent fashion). Then there’s the sad fact of animal abandonment, a practice whose numbers vary from location to location. The consistent thing about that: impulse decisions lead to poor care, which has a higher rate of dropoff at a shelter. Which isn’t good for anyone, let alone the animal. The kicker here is that Gremlins gives an extreme example as to why you need to think about taking on a pet, especially one with special needs: Randall gets wrapped up in the cute little animal that no one else has, without thinking through if his son is responsible enough for the task. He lets a novelty trump any warnings concerning the health and safety of those around him because he wants his kid to have a really cool Christmas present. No wonder Grandfather shows up at the end and takes back Gizmo – Randall’s lack of common sense and Billy’s inability to care for Gizmo appropriately cause considerable damage, including death. Extreme, but a really good example of why you should think through your purchases.
Just keep walking.
Listen, I love puppies – I want one so badly I can taste it. But if you don’t assess whether you’re up to the task, you’re doing everyone a disservice, especially the animal. So instead of buying that cute little surprise St. Bernard this holiday season, consider donating to one of the many charitable causes that help the animals – from horses to bunnies to dogs to rescued hawks – that could use the help. And if you absolutely have thought this through, adopt. Just make sure that you can keep it clean, fed before midnight, and away from lights too bright.
Now that Thanksgiving is over, we can officially declare it Christmas season in the United States.
This week, we’re grabbing our coats and doing some time travel. We’ll hit up the 1980s first by visiting Gremlins (1984), a fantastic film about the dangers of not doing your damn research when buying an exotic Christmas present for your irresponsible kid. Next up, we’ll recommend While You Were Sleeping (1995), because I’m a damn sucker for Bill Pullman looking all adorable in plaid. As an added bonus, you’ll be getting an installment of Hail to the King, as Dan returns with a bit of a shake up. Nothing crazy or panic-inducing (he’s not quitting!): just a shift in subject matter. Namely, he’s tackling Silver Bullet (1985). Coincidentally, I just gave my kid that book to read. Happy times in the cold, my friends.
Thanksgiving was yesterday, but that’s not going to stop us from finding a film that covers that holiday. Wait, it’s not just Thanksgiving – it’s the snowy atmosphere and companionship factors. What better way to celebrate that aspect than with an old person who doesn’t really care about social nicety? That’s where Grumpy Old Men (1993) comes into play, a film about the rivalry between aging neighbors Max (Walter Matthau) and John (Jack Lemmon) that escalates when foxy Ariel (Ann-Margaret) moves in. Here are five reasons to watch it this weekend.
#1 – The barbs
Listening to two people trade barbs with one another is always amusing. When it’s two men of advancing years with straight faces, it’s even better. Thus, we get exchanges like the following: “Morning dickhead.” “Hello, moron.” It doesn’t matter if it’s Matthau or Lemmon speaking – it’s funny as hell to see two little old guys – who we want to think are beacons of maturity and wisdom – acting like two teenagers who want to see the other in discomfort. Given, they’re not heartless, but there’s enough there to make it interesting. Which is perfect: light-hearted, yet hilarious.
#2 – Burgess Meredith
Call it the Sophia Petrillo effect, but the older someone is, the funnier they are when they say something without filter. Burgess Meredith plays Lemmon’s father, a man who clearly ran out of shits to give about anything and everything. He loves bacon and beer. After a certain point, when you get to that age, you’re allowed to do what you want. He is old age goals. Bonus: the outtakes at the end credits. They’re worth sitting through the whole movie.
The euphemisms alone.
#3 – The transition from parent to child
This film manages to address the reality of having an aging parent. Often, the child must become the parent: making sure the parent goes to the doctor, eats right, pays bills, and so forth. We see a few different iterations of this dynamic: John and his daughter Melanie (Daryl Hannah), John and his own father, and Max and his son Jacob (Kevin Pollak). Seeing multiple instances gives the audience a greater appreciation as to this rite of passage. If you’re currently going through this stage of life with your own parents, you’ll feel it’s a bit more universal, which is comforting.
#4 – Old rivalries die hard
Watching Max and John fight over little things is funny, but this film also gives you a chance to see where the insults started. We see some very old hurts get reflected in the (then) present day, threatening to repeat themselves all over again. It serves as a good reminder to deal with this stuff as it happens rather than let it fester. That’s always a nice message this time of year.
Frenemies.
#5 – Ariel is goals
Can I be Ann-Margaret once I reach my 50s? I’d really like to look like that. She conveys grace and a vivacious lust for life that I hope I carry into middle age and beyond. It’s wild to think that Lemmon had a good 15 years on her, proving that there was age disparity even back then, in a film designed to make us think about getting older. Goes to show you that the definition of “old” changes as time goes on.
Grumpy Old Men is available on YouTube.
As is tradition, we tend to share one scene from a movie each year to symbolize Thanksgiving. This year, it’s fitting that we pick The Ice Storm (1997), everyone’s favorite film about the happiest suburban families in the 1970s. Here’s our website November favorite, Christina Ricci (Wednesday 4 evah), doling out the harshness in a way that would make the rest of us proud. Okay, maybe her speech might be a bit too real this year but fuck it, we’re here for her truth bomb. Happy Thanksgiving from us to you.
