Well, here we are.
I started this site in April 2015. In that time, a lot of life has happened. I’ve made some extraordinary friends. Personally, I managed put myself back together and keep moving after various setbacks. I came out of my shell and shared some pieces of myself I normally would have kept quiet. I’ve voiced some strong opinions. I contributed to one book and was asked to edit another. It’s been a pretty wild ride for just under four years.
The thing is, I need a break. I went from doing two analyses, a recommendation and a short film a week to one analysis, one recommendation and a short every week. Some time went by, and that became just one analysis and a recommendation as I started writing for other people. I contributed to multiple sites, I was really tired, I was always busy, and I really loved what I was doing. But I wasn’t getting paid for those contributions, and so I made the decision to cut back on writing for other sites (experiences that left me frustrated beyond measure). I’ve never faulted anyone at this site for stepping back, as I don’t make the kind of money that allows for a check, and I tried to be conscious of the whole “I can pay you in exposure” approach – I think that’s unhealthy, if I’m being completely blunt (I’ve received some pretty gross “offers” of work with that logic that would boggle the mind). And so I made it clear to our contributors that this is a hobby, not a career, and therefore your life comes first at all times. This site has always been about me posting analysis and hoping that it helps someone feel less alone. I wanted to make others feel less alone because I know how much it hurts to feel that way. It’s putting your arm around someone else going through some stuff and saying, “It’s okay. I see you.” It’s empathy in the midst of darkness. It’s an odd beast for certain: it’s hard to keep up that level of hopefulness and not have the well run dry. One must be careful with that – as a friend once told me, if there’s nothing left in your cup, you can’t pour and share with anyone else. My cup’s been low lately, I’m afraid. I must tend to that, and the decision to step back has helped lift a weight.
Recently, life has taken some turns. Without going into too much detail, I’m going to have my hands full in the next year with some personal pieces coming into place. It’s exciting, and all will be revealed in good time. Leading up to that, I need some time to focus and breathe – to get back to my center. Rediscover the things that bring me joy. Analysis isn’t bringing me much joy at the moment. I’m good at analysis, but I don’t want to be good – I want to be happy. Right now, stepping back is going to make me happy. I have a few creative ideas in my head right now waiting to be born, and I want to give that world some love – after all, it’s kept me company; I’m quite excited for you to meet the people I’ve been fostering in my mind. Once that’s sorted, I can get back to being the same foul-mouthed delight you’ve come to expect.
This isn’t goodbye. I’ll be back – I’m just not sure when, and in what capacity. Thank you for joining me and letting me entertain you for a little bit. I’m going to go work on me. Bis zum nachsten mal, meinen Damen und Herren.