On paper, this movie is ridiculous. In reality, this movie is ridiculous. That doesn’t make me love it any less, and you should, too. Here we go: five reasons why, this Memorial Day weekend, you should spend some quality time with Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters.
#1 – Two words: leather pants
Allow me to be a total pig for a minute: Gemma Arterton’s ass in leather pants is proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy. Yes, that’s a terrible statement for a woman to make, we shouldn’t objectify women, etc. As a bi woman, I’m not going to sit back and pretend that I don’t like what I see. In a world of actresses with zero body fat, it’s nice to see someone that can actually fill out her costume without looking comically misshapen.
|I’d like to buy the costume department a drink.
#2 – Hansel’s medieval diabetes
This part just blows my mind every time I watch it. How in the hell does he have insulin at all times? How did he know to treat himself from childhood? Does he reuse his needles? Do these people not realize that eating a shitload of candy does not a diabetic make? So many questions. I can overlook the evil witches flying on brooms, but this one just makes me scratch my head with a type of “what the fuck” glee that I reserve for something I have to laugh at lest I cry from stupidity. It takes something special to get me to that point.
#3 – Hansel gets knocked around quite a bit
I’m not a huge fan of Jeremy Renner. It’s gotten even worse since the whole mess of the press tour that was The Avengers: Age of Ultron (a.k.a. “Marvel, it’s time to come and get your fucking children”). So, watching him act tough and get the crap kicked out of him a few times was fun for me. It’s so nice to see that everyone in the yesteryear of Germany was so well-versed in hand-to-hand combat. Especially martial arts.
|Yeah, I’m not going to lie: this was fun to watch.
#4 – There’s tons of gratuitous blood and guts
Exploding people! Dead evil witches! Fist fights! Everyone is made of endless pounds of ground beef and a couple gallons of blood. It’s AWESOME. You really need to watch this one in order to fully experience the joy of watching someone’s head explode in an oven. It’s just such a good time that you don’t even feel guilty about it.
#5 – Speaking of fun, there’s a biting sense of humor
Referring to the townsfolk as “fucking hillbillies” to their faces takes balls in an era of mass hysteria, but that’s Gretel for you. She has some fun one-liners, and Arterton’s combination of voice and delivery make them all the better. With other actors, this would have been horrible, but somehow, this cast makes something ridiculous completely fun.
|Is it sequel time yet?
There you have it. For a good time, call Hansel and Gretel.