Everyone is talking about the trailer for the new Thor movie, but honestly… the Hemsworth brothers don’t quite do it for me. Except the thought of Chris Hemsworth speaking to his children in his Thor voice – that thought is hysterical (“Child of mine! Pick up thine Legos!”). As someone who doesn’t quite dig the Avengers gang (yes, I said it. Come at me, bruh.), I’m taking a pass on that trailer in favor of doing what I do best: sitting back and side-eying a Disney film. Kids, we’re getting another Pirates movie. Here’s one of the trailers.

At first, I looked at the kid in this trailer and went, “Well, that’s formulaic – they’ve opted for Diet Orlando Bloom.” It’s actually sort of heartwarming to see that the producers have gone with the younger, less expensive look-alike; I feel like we’re achieving some sort of sick equality in Hollywood there. But no, Orlando is in this one too. So we get Diet Orlando and Regular Orlando. Someone has made Johnny Depp upright and mobile for this, and also managed to talk Javier Bardem into it. Which means that I will be there, front and center, ripping on just how bad this is. See ya in the cheap seats, kiddies.